the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
