he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
