Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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