all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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