the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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