my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
