yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
