Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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