No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
