He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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