Midget sex pt 2 tonight
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
