After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
