Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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