Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
