what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
