I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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