I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
