Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
