Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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