I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
