Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
