I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
