Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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