Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
