Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
