Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
