So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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