Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
