If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize