I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
