New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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