I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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