I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
