I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
