I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
