a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
