i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
