At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
