I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
