How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
