nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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