what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you didnt know i had herpes?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
