She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
