What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
