Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We had sex on a dog bed..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
