well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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