dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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