I just cut my nipple shaving
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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