You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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