I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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