i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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