I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
