The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
