insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize