Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
