Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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