Apparently you make a good broom.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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