Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
