Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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