I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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