so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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