Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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