Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize