I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
